In reading the room or gauging the mood music of those worrying about ‘first world’ problems at work, this week is likely to be the one week where any serious commentary will have to make way for middle-aged men in awkward Christmas jumpers consuming their bodyweight in alcohol and mince pies to hide said awkwardness. With that in mind, I gathered together a small posse of pish-stained HR & Talent ‘experts’ who offered up the following 2017 predictions at pub chucking out time whilst simultaneously bending over precariously to pick up their fallen loose change from the pavement :
- In the area of HR Tech, our man predicted that the first Live shortlist of candidates will be streamed on facebook live, allowing the candidate market to finally see that it is in fact the paper CV with the most aerodynamic ability that makes the shortlist. Plans for a first candidate experience live video stream will be finally canned after all applications to take part were left unanswered after the 2 week deadline.
- The last laggard HR department in the country will throw a lavish launch party for its highly acclaimed biannual Employee Opinion Survey with the strapline – “we’d like to get your last positive view before announcing our forthcoming site closure programme ”.
- As user-generated content finally makes a breakthrough in recruitment marketing in 2017, the fastest growing channel to highlight company culture is one focussed on annual performance review management bloopers, hosted by Harry Hill.
- The in-house recruitment function will win a landslide election and vote overwhelmingly to leave HR for Marketing. A kind of Rexit if you please. In a surprise move to some, Marketing however will reject the idea as farcical and thus leave recruitment to live out its self-loathing existence in a bedsit above a chip shop as a result.
- David Bowie’s estate will categorically refuse permission for any thought leader to use the copyrighted ‘ch-ch-ch-ch-changes’ in presentation decks. Expect the Lighthouse Family to make a nauseating return as a result.
- Virtual Reality enters the workplace with a bang as a core employee benefit. Three weeks later Employee Relations professionals quote Virtual Reality as being the primary source of unproductive work in UK offices for males between 20-55. VR HR becomes a growth area.
- Disruptive goes mainstream. Books are written, movies are made and children are named after it. In response the tech start-up hipsters will shift the goalposts, ban company fussball and ping pong and instead adopt Adam Ant’s old wardrobe to symbolize their anti-establishment identity. Shares in face paint start-ups go through the roof.
- Robotics will make a dramatic entrance at the CIPD 2017 conference when a malfunctioning Peter Cheese will reveal itself as an early Accenture prototype as he wrongly recites the 2015 keynote speech from his programme by mistake. Predictive analytics suggest that 93% of the audience will not notice.
- Generational stereotypes will be discredited by the discovery of a 53 year old woman in Arkansas with desires to ‘be inspired at work’, found using smartphone technology and showing signs of nomadic behaviour. Self-styled experts will be baffled.
- And finally, this year will be the last known record of a Christmas work event being staged as everyone moves to the gig economy in 2017, meaning that all festivities will be cancelled in future given HR legal’s fear of the risk of co-employment rights.
So there you have it. Straight from the ‘steaming’ horses mouths. Some might be made up but if it’s predictive accuracy you want then head over to the magnificent David Green’s 2017 hitlist if you want to sound really clever whilst pulling the xmas cracker this year.
Just leaves me to say a huge thank you to everyone who voluntarily gave up minutes of their lives to read my varied ramblings this year on whatever medium I appeared. It’s a labour of love for me but I’m always appreciative for anyone who stops so no matter what God you believe in, I hope you have a cracker and look forward to joining up in 2017 for what promises to be an epic year of HR change once again.
Until next time. I could have been someone, well so could anyone HR.